moving forwards

its been awhile since my last post, im not sure if anyone still comes here but if they do and have been expecting some sort of update, i do apologise. the past few months since the semester begun have been crazy but its the summer break now so hopefully i can post more stuff; and this is wayyy overdue but yes, no longer a freshman! i'll probably do some reviewing at a more private platform, and at a later time considering how i have a flight to catch in 9hours time? AUBC in manila for the next 10days. might have mentioned to a couple of people how im not exactly looking forward to being away for such a long duration but im not gonna repeat that here. suck it up and just gonna go through it. and before i blabber on, happy (belated) vesak day.

anyway i came to this sudden realization/enlightenment earlier in the day, which actually prompted this post. i've never been good at articulating myself, so im gonna try my best to pen it down because it hit me, hard. well basically, i was in a mess and i felt that i lost myself a bit. i suppose i delved into the past a little too often to find the person that got left behind, to get back what was lost. on hindsight, i have no idea how i even ended up where i am today but that's not the focus of this post. i held on to things of the past because they were known and comfortable; most importantly i liked (portions) of it.

"The future is scary, but you can't just run back into the past because its familiar. Yes, it's tempting..."

it took a book and someone to say it aloud for me to finally understand how anything to do with the past is completely and utterly irretrievable; by reading the words, the tone, the gaps, and the desperation.

life in motion

i've been watching a few really good shows, with good company as well. but amongst everything that i love about the shows (and even books), i find myself drawing parallels between the characters and myself. it may be a form of relating and understanding the characters but seems that i have more similarities with "the broken ones". i dont think they're broken, they are just in need of help, but does that mean that i am too? sometimes, im not really sure who i am anymore. the person everyone used to know and was proud of, its merely a shadow and a memory in my life. idk where she went but i know that things were a lot easier when she was around. i should find her, but i dont know where to start.

one foot in front the other

i've tried, i honestly did. even you cant deny that fact. but no matter what i do, it'll never be the same because there's a certain line drawn now, and i have to be cautious not to go so close to it lest i get burnt. however that does not mean i stopped caring cause i'll never be able to, and i hope you know and accept that by now.

"you keep pushing away people that cares for you, why?"

then again, you hardly ever give an answer anymore but you'll expect one, i honestly dont understand how that works. it may seem that idk what's going on but it might just be a puzzle that i have no interest to fix anymore because its tiring. and it maybe long overdue but this is me moving on. i may be different and you may not like it but i dont think that really matters to me anymore; sorry but i am not governed by your opinions of me any longer.

after all those disappointments and heart lurching episodes, i am still here for you but we know i cant say the same bout you. and even if our time has passed or whatever you call it, i still care and worry for you. recently, we've started talking more frequently and numerous times you got upset and wanted to rage. they may probably be bout the same issue or not but i dont like seeing you that way. also, dont reel me in to push me away; i dont like feeling helpless and neither do i like what you're doing to yourself. i'll respect your personal space as much as you want but please, dont come to me just when you're broken. in case you've forgotten, i have a heart too.

"we accept the love we think we deserve"

haunted

I travelled 6391miles away from home and yet, there you are. You always seem to appear whenever I feel strong enough to move on. Like gravity, you pull me back time and time again, and sometimes I fall right back in.

I am haunted by the memories we created, those we are still making, and probably those that we have yet to as well.

page one

starting everything from scratch here!
guess it'll just be an outlet to blabber some stuff here
which may be what i need now